The lights of Hollywood glowed dimly through the tinted window of the limo. As they sped by they made wonderful patterns on my red evening dress, but I hardly noticed.
Tristan, Rob, and I spent the last several weeks doing everything within our power to get me ready for this. We had to eliminate every flaw possible that they could attack. Now Rob and I were on our way to the premier of his latest movie and I felt naked, dirty, and adolescent.
Rob sat as close to me as possible without pulling me onto his lap rubbing my arm with one hand and holding mine with the other. I had my other hand over my mouth as I tried not to panic.
"How's your blood sugar?" he asked sounding just as anxious.
I slowly lowered my hand, letting out a breath and my whole body shook with it. He grabbed my head and held it to his kissing me wherever he could reach.
"Shh. It's going to be okay." he rocked me a little then released me so that I could reach down for my bag and get out my meter.
He watched patiently as I tested.
"Good enough." I mumbled when it showed me the number.
I shoved it back in the small bag then snuggled back into Rob's arms and closed my eyes, wanting it all to disappear.
"It'll be fine. You'll be with me the whole time. I won't let go of you for one second." He promised.
I nodded and then reached up and kissed him deeply for the courage I knew I was going to need. I knew that as soon as I stepped out of that car with him all eyes would be on me for the whole evening and several days after that. It went against all my instincts and comfort zones, but this was for him.
The car began to slow to a stop and a whole new panic set in. This was it.
I concentrated on my breathing and Rob began to rub my shoulder again. Then I took a deep breath and braced myself.
"Are you ready?" he asked.
"As ready as I'm going to be." I replied.
Rob then held my chin and kissed me looking for courage of his own. I hoped he found it.
The door opened and Rob stepped out with a greeting. I twisted my hand around the handle of my bag and scooted toward the door. Rob's hand reached back in for me and I took it. I stepped out and stood up straight, pulling my bag over my shoulder. I didn't look at where the lights, the voices, or where the music was coming from. Part of the trick was not seeing them.
Rob took my hand and squeezed it gently. I squeezed back, but tighter. I looked up as he ran his fingers through his hair nervously and I let out a small giggle, quickly suppressing it. Rob had heard me and looked down at me, suddenly bending down and quickly kissing my head. Then it was as if a silence had fallen over the whole crowd. It really hadn't, but from the time I stepped out of the limo a moment before there was now a new buzz in the air as we walked hand in hand like sheep into the den of wolves.
As we moved forward my heart pounded in my head, but I somehow managed to keep my step steady. A beat thumped out from some hidden speakers matching my heartbeat and making everything move with it, it helped a little.
Rob waved and smiled nervously at the screaming crowds, but didn't move toward them. I watched him curiously for a moment until my attention was diverted by someone practically running into Rob. Rob reached out to grab my arm before I fell, but I caught my balance before he needed to. I looked up to see one of Rob's co-stars, Peter Facinelli, with his arm wrapped around Rob's shoulders in a friendly way.
I couldn't suppress a small smile from my lips, knowing a little bit of his personality. I also couldn't suppress a giggle as he told Rob a "guy joke" and Rob stood there with an awkward look on his face.
Suddenly Peter turned to me eyes wide like he hadn't seen me there the whole time.
He laughed embarrassed, "How long have you been standing there?" Then after he continued to look at me, his eyebrows furrowed. "Wait, who are you?" And he looked between me and Rob several times.
I continued to laugh quietly.
"She's been there the whole time Peter." Rob said smiling.
"Nuh uh!" Peter exclaimed, stepping back.
"Yeah." Rob said, still sounding a little uncomfortable.
"Where'd she come from?"
"She came with me." Rob answered.
The shock was clear on his face and all I could do was stand there smiling softly.
"How'd you find someone to come with you so fast?" Peter asked then his eyebrows rose. "She's not-?"
"No!" Rob said quickly. I felt my cheeks flush slightly. "I'm seeing her."
It took him a second, but the "father vampire" smiled and gave his "son" a pat on the back.
"You know we all were starting to worry about you. It's about time!" he looked at me and winked I smiled a little wider. "How long has this been going on? A week or so?"
"No, about a year actually." Rob said with a laugh.
"Are you serious?" Peter was shocked yet again and looked to me for confirmation. I nodded.
Peter's head snapped up suddenly as someone called his name. He raised his hand signaling that he'd be there momentarily with a blinding smile.
"I've gotta go." he said turning back to us. He looked pointedly at me a moment "We'll talk more later."
Peter was about to walk away when Rob grabbed his arm and pulled him back.
"Peter, information stays away from the press for now, please." Rob said seriously giving him a trusting look.
Peter looked back at him kindly. "You got it." he said patting Rob on the back.
Peter then headed off to whoever had wanted his attention, but when he was about twenty yards away from us he stopped. He turned around, stretched his arms out, pointing both of his index fingers at Rob and with a laugh he hollered, "You're good man! You're good!" He continued to laugh as he turned away again as if he suddenly understood something that I didn't.
"Rob, what is he talking about?" I looked up at him to see a smug, almost guilty, smile on his face.
Rob towed me forward again as he said, "Tonight they can see you and take all the pictures they want, but they can't touch you or talk to you."
A shocked laugh escaped me and then it turned into real laughter.
"You're teasing them!" I exclaimed.
That had to be the most clever, the most wonderful, the sweetest thing I had ever heard him say.
"That's brilliant." I said and I meant it. "But wait, what about your fans? Are you going to ignore them too?"
Rob laughed at my question. "You think I'm going to let them within reaching distance of you?"
I had to laugh again and hugged his arm momentarily.
"Sorry about that by the way." Rob said after a moment.
"For what?" I asked.
"For Peter's...joke."
I smiled at him. "Let boys be boys." I replied.
He laughed a little.
"And I like him. He seems nice." I added.
"Most of the cast tends to be." he answered.
"Well who's mean?" I asked horrified.
"I'm not sure if the girls will be nice to you."
I rolled my eyes realizing he was joking. The fact that he was hiding a smile was a dead giveaway. "Oh sure."
A small bit of laughter escaped him.
"Be careful, I'll tell them you said that." I threatened.
"No!"
We were rushed along by the body guards along the sides. For the first time since we got there I took a thorough look around me. I was stunned by the number of other celebrities that I recognized around me, though a good number of them I couldn't name. I suddenly felt very small.
The cameras flashed and I had no idea who they were actually photographing. It settled with a thud that it could most definitely be me. Part of me wished it wasn't.
Rob lead us toward where a tarp hung for photos. The rest of the cast was already there and once we got close enough they all turned to us and clapped, with a chorus of howls and woots from the men. So apparently Peter had filled them in.
It was rather sweet, but I had never been more embarrassed in my whole life. I knew my face was insanely red. Rob just laughed and for the first time, and what I prayed was the only time, Rob left my side and joined his costar's.
They all lined up as they were instructed by the photographer. There were several photographers waiting for their chance to take their pictures of the stars at their own tarps. I was going to be standing in the back for a while. Which I didn't necessarily mind, except for the fact that I felt very vulnerable alone.
Most of the cast broke away from the tarp and the few main ones, including Rob, stayed behind. They didn't leave though, hovering around behind the camera men, watching.
I stayed far enough behind that I remained unnoticed and as I looked around, no one made eye contact with me.
I watched Rob as he posed in various ways. His mouth either set in a fake smile or a serious scowl. I shook my head, smiling and remembering my own education in smiling for the camera. It was then that I felt a hand on my arm and looked up to see Peter.
"Hey, could you help us a sec?" He asked beginning to tow me toward where the rest of the cast was standing.
"Um, sure?" I asked, unsure of what he wanted.
"What's your name anyway?" he asked all of a sudden.
"Katie," I said with a chuckle, "but that's a secret." I put my finger to my mouth.
"You got it Katie." he replied. "Okay!" he said once we disappeared into the group. "We figured you of all people would know how to make that stubborn boy really smile." he told me jabbing his finger in Rob's general direction.
I chuckled again, thinking through my head of something that'd get my favorite smile out of him. I frowned when I realized that it usually appeared when I did something unintentional. But what about something intentional.
I felt a wicked grin creep across my face.
"Alright." I said. "Guard me?" I asked looking behind us at a curious crowd.
"You got it." Peter answered and all the guys made a perimeter behind me. They felt very much like body guards, very attractive body guards. I was liking this.
"Somebody whistle." I said keeping my eyes on Rob, waiting for the exact moment.
A whistle sounded loud and clear followed by a "Hey Rob!"
Rob's gaze flickered toward us and as soon as it did I winked with an open, exaggerated smile while showing a little leg, followed by bending forward and blowing him a kiss.
For half a second his expression was almost blank with shock, then it changed into that wonderful smile and laughter. Perfect. The cameras went crazy.
Laughter, hooting, and clapping erupted behind me. I felt pretty good for about ten seconds then I felt insanely embarrassed. They surrounded me before the cameras had a chance to turn around. I was impressed by how well they protected me and the fact that they were doing it all.
"I like you." Peter said putting an arm around my shoulders. "You're all right."
"Thank you." I laughed.
"That was classic!" another of the male cast members said as he came up to me for a hand smack. I responded to his gesture. "You'll have to teach me how to do that sometime." he said.
"Anytime." I said.
We continued to hover around and watch, some switching in and out of the spotlight. Rob was one of the few that stayed behind.
As promised I showed the other cast member how to do what I did and he, in turn, showed me how to be manly. We stood near the camera in view of those being photographed. I flexed and the like while he pulled up his pant leg daintily while shoving out his behind. I laughed once I saw him.
"I didn't show you how to do that!" I protested.
"Well you should have!" he teased.
Soon enough Rob joined me again and it was finally time to go inside.
"What was that?!" he said, laughing again as we made our way forward again.
"They made me do it!" I protested, laughing with him.
We were some of the first few in there and I continued to follow Rob as he quickly made his way to a seat at the end near the back. I knew his reasons for doing this and I didn't comment. He took the second seat and I sat next to him on the very end.
As more and more people began to file in, Rob sank farther into his seat. I reached over and loosened one of his hands from his lap, stroking the side of it with my thumb. He glanced over at me and gave me a grateful smile.
Out of nowhere the love rival in the movie appeared behind us wrapping his arms around Rob's neck in greeting. He was wearing a suit jacket just like every other male was here, but that didn't hide his impressive muscles under them, especially when he tightened them.
I had to look away, it was insanely awkward to be so close to that. It was too attractive.
Once he left I still hadn't looked back at Rob.
"What?" he said.
Oh great. I must have been blushing. I bit my lip.
Rob began to laugh and I glanced at him, he was looking in the direction his co star had gone.
"Shut up." I mumbled sinking into my own seat.
Rob said nothing, leaning over and kissing my cheek as he continued to laugh.
I knew he understood. There was no need to defend myself or reassure him.
Rob's laughter ended almost abruptly as the lights began to dim. I squeezed his hand tighter.
No matter how many movies he made, watching his own work still made him nervous.
I myself had been looking forward to seeing it. I wanted to see any movie he was a part of, this one especially, but I was prepared to leave if he needed to.
I watched intently through the opening scenes. A wedding. It was amazingly beautiful, even more so with Rob playing the groom. I knew the story well and was completely into it, feeling myself tearing up a little at certain parts. It was so happy. The characters neared they're honeymoon destination and I felt my stomach clench, anticipating what was going to happen next, but a part of me was slightly nervous.
Rob fidgeted in his seat, but I didn't react even though I noticed the movement. I felt his pulse racing in my hand, he having tightened his grip. I wanted to turn and reassure him, but I just couldn't get myself to pull away until Rob began to stand. He continued to hold my hand as he scooted past me. I stood with him as he began to let go, holding his hand tighter.
He didn't react, continuing to make his way out of the theater and I went with him.
Once out in the lobby, I stopped him after towing him to a discrete corner. His breath was coming in short, small gasps, sweat on his forehead. I tenderly touched his face.
"You okay?" I asked quietly.
He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head.
"I'll be right back." I whispered.
Quickly, I found the bathroom, wetting a piece of paper towel and squeezing it carefully until it was just damp enough. I went back out to find him up against the wall in a small shadow his eyes wide. I put the paper towel to his forehead, dabbing it gently. After a moment he took it from me and rubbed it over his whole face.
"You wanna go?" I asked quietly after he handed the paper towel back to me.
He swallowed hard. "Yeah." he breathed.
We made our way to the doors finger intertwined. We got enough for me to reach for the handle when he stopped dead in his tracks.
Rob cursed under his breath, rubbing his mouth. I looked closely outside to see many video cameras waiting as if they had anticipated Rob leaving early. Which was probably exactly what they had done.
I let go of Rob's hand bending my legs back in turn, taking off my shoes.
"Wanna make a run for it?" I smiled sinisterly at him.
I small smile cracked on his face. "Do we have any other choice?"
"Doesn't look like it." I grabbed the door handle. "You first. I'll be right behind you."
"Okay."
"Ready?"
"Yup."
I pulled the door open and Rob speed out of it. I didn't hesitate to follow him. The flashing lights blinded me every once in a while as we ran and I saw a video camera follow our escape out of the corner of my eye.
I searched for the limo with my eyes and found it close to the entrance just as we had asked the driver to park. I kicked it up a notch and speed in front of Rob to get to the car. I rapped on the window the second I reached it and opened the door as soon as I heard it unlock.
I threw my shoes inside and just in time, Rob practically dove in and I followed slamming the door shut.
Without a word the driver pulled out and drove off.
After we had almost caught our breath, we both started to laugh.
"How'd you do that?" Rob managed to say.
I smiled. "I haven't run like that in years. It's going to hurt later."
I stretched out a little with a groan and leaned on his shoulder.
Once both of our breathing returned to normal I looked up at Rob to see a small smile on his face.
"Feeling better?" I asked.
Instantly the smile fell into a frown.
"Oh sorry." I said quickly.
He shook his head and said nothing.
In time the driver dropped us off to where we had been picked up. We thanked him and made our way to Rob's car.
"Do you want me to drive?" I asked timidly.
"No, I got it." he said.
I watched him carefully as he drove us back to his house. His face was strangely blank.
We got into the house and Rob stood close to me awkwardly.
"Would a shower help you feel better?" I asked. I was really starting to worry about him.
He shook his head.
"Do you just want to sleep?"
"Yeah." he answered. He was beginning to sound very tired.
"I'll go change then-" I started to walk up the stairs when he grabbed my hand.
"Can I just...stay with you? I won't-"
"Yeah. It's fine." I interrupted. He didn't need to explain himself.
He followed me up the stairs, but stopped at the top of them and turned around.
I took my hair down, brushing it and enjoying the extra wave the way it had been up created. I took off my dress and hung it up and was about to put on my pajamas when Rob's arms wrapped around my bare waist and his lips were at my ear.
"It was hard enough filming that scene, I couldn't handle seeing it." he whispered.
His lips where on my shoulder, "I needed it to be you." His breath was hot on my skin.
I knew what he was doing. He was almost recreating the scene with me now as the bride. I couldn't bring myself to stop him, understanding his need, but how far would that need go?
I wasn't afraid, but I remained cautious. It could be so easy.
He pressed my back against his bare chest and I remained still. He ran his hand from my shoulder down to my arm until he put his hand on mine. He did the same with my other hand then carefully folded my own arms across my chest and he took his hands away. I left my arms there as he held my shoulders and turned me around. His eyes were barely open and he was concentrating on my face. He then held my face and kissed me so carefully I almost had to wonder if I was really feeling it. I wasn't sure if he was acting his part or if he was really feeling the need to be that careful.
Rob whispered my name and I had that insane feeling in my very being. I fought with it a minute while Rob's lips were at my throat and I gave in, pulling his face to mine and kissing him fiercely. Before I really understood what I had done, we had fallen on the bed. Rob held me to him tightly on our sides and it didn't feel wrong.
Suddenly, the spell was broken by the ringing of Rob's phone in his pants pocket.
He sat up quickly and answered it. I sat up just as fast and reached over finding my shirt again and putting it on.
"I'm sorry, I-" I began as soon as he hung up.
"No, I shouldn't have done it that way." he interrupted then he held me tenderly in his arms.
I sat tensed, not allowing myself to respond to his affections just yet.
"Having to do those scenes was so hard, because I felt so wrong doing them. Like I was betraying you." He said.
I quickly turned to see his face, his pained expression made me want to cry. I took his hands and held them to my face. "It's your job. It's fine."
"I didn't want you to see it. I didn't want it to hurt you."
I had no immediate response. I was wary of telling him the truth. About how much it always bothered me anytime he had to be affectionate towards someone in front of the camera. Even if it was only a little. I knew it shouldn't, but it did.
"It's fine." I mumbled.
My voice betrayed me and he held the side of my face making me face him.
"It may be my job, but that doesn't change how I feel or how much I've wanted it to be you." He stared into my eyes, either to make a point or to read mine. "It's been that way since I met you, and it's getting harder and harder every time."
"Even though it's acting...I've always wanted to be her." I admitted. "I know it's ridiculous for it to bother me...but I can't help it."
Rob held me tighter. "It's not ridiculous."
I wasn't going to argue about it.
"We have to find a way to make this easier." he mumbled, almost to himself.
"You could make your acting less convincing." I offered.
"What?" he said, astonished. "How would that help?"
"If I could tell that it was really acting it wouldn't bother me so much." I explained.
"Are you serious?" he asked, half laughing.
"No." I shook my head beginning to laugh.
"Okay." he said.
We fell silent again.
I sighed. "Maybe we should go to sleep now."
"Yeah." he said beginning to get up.
I crawled away and got under the blanket wrapping my arms around the pillow and holding it under my head, curling up. Rob joined me after he changed into a cotton shirt and sweats. I snuggled next to him grateful for the fabric.
"Less convincing." he grumbled, though I could hear the smile in his voice.
"Well, you know you're just that good." I said.
"Oh yeah, sure." he answered sarcastically continuing to laugh.
"Alright go to sleep." I mumbled at him trying to sound overly tired.
He was still laughing as he kissed my head, then he finally quieted down and sunk into the mattress with one arm around me.
-----------------
Most of the cast was over for the evening and I had done exceptionally well so far beings as their preferred type of partying was something I distasted. They were not rude, or irresponsible, quite kind and festive really, which I was grateful for, but still....
Rob had done well too, staying away from the favored beverage. It warmed my heart greatly, but it always stopped for a second or so whenever I focused enough to see or smell a cigarette in his hand.
You'd think in all the time I'd been with him I wouldn't mind it. I'd be used to it and have accepted it, and if I didn't I shouldn't still be there, but it still bothered me. I hated the way it made him smell. It clung to his clothes, his hair, his face, and especially his mouth like tree sap. I was afraid to get close to it. It was extremely difficult to be near or affectionate towards him with that hovering around him. I hated the quilt that settled whenever I turned away or refused him. He knew why and understood, but that didn't make it any easier for either of us.
The party had been going on for several hours now and it was nearing midnight. I had sat faithfully beside him the entire time, joining in conversation and the like. I hadn't complained, but I was quickly reaching my limit.
"Katie, are you sure you don't want to eat anything?" someone asked.
Before, I just hadn't been hungry, but now everything was sure to taste like the smoke that filled the room. Rob didn't normally smoke in the house, but there was a good deal of paparazzi outside. They had somehow followed one of them here. They had decided to hide inside with the curtains drawn.
"Yeah, I'm tired." I answered and I stood, straightening my shirt.
I took Rob's left hand with me and kissed it, careful not to taste it.
"I'm going to bed." I said to him.
I started to pull away, but he held my hand tighter. As I looked back Rob took the cigarette out of his mouth. I forced myself to watch while he breathed out the smoke continuing to breathe out until his breath was clear. He swallowed carefully twice and then gently pulled my hand and pressed them against his lips tightly, being careful not to part them. Even with all of the precautions I still felt the abnormal heat on my hand as he pulled away. I felt my hand twitch slightly and I didn't look at his eyes.
No one said a word as I walked away and up the stairs to the bed room. I didn't hesitate to throw the piece of cardboard over it that we used as a makeshift door. In the next step I was taking my clothes off as fast as I could, stuffing them at the bottom of the laundry pile.
I got in the shower, the water turned as hot as I could stand. I soaked my hair in soap, scrubbed my face, arms, and legs. I scrubbed my hand the hardest and it sent needles into my heart with every pass.
Once out, I put on a pair of shorts with a tank top, trying to cool off. I paced the floor, not wanting to get into bed while I was still so hot. I passed the opening in the floor, it was still covered.
I continued to pace debating whether or not I wanted to uncover it just yet. It was tempting, but I couldn't let Rob think that he was completely unwelcome. I quietly set it aside.
When I got into bed I made sure to stay on my side. I tried to sleep though it was hard with how horrible I was feeling, again.
It wasn't much longer after I had finally laid down that I heard footsteps on the stairs.
"Katie?"
Rob's voice was farther away than I had expected it to be and I cringed, resisting the temptation to pull the covers all the way over my shoulders.
"Mm?"
"They would like to say good bye to you before they make a break for it." he said softly.
"I'll be down in a sec." I mumbled trying to sound more tired than I was.
His footsteps went away again.
I slid out, folding my arms tightly around my chest and stiffly moved down the stairs.
I was almost at the end of the stairs when I came in view of the living room. They all turned at the sound of my arrival.
Peter was the first to react.
"Night!" he said with a wave. The rest smiled and made similar exchanges.
They opened the front door and the lights began to flash. I didn't need to be around anymore, so I started to make my way back up the stairs again. I felt eyes on me as I went.
I got back in bed in a second and disappeared into it as much as I could with still being able to breathe.
I listened as it gradually got quieter downstairs and when it was finally silent, I heard Rob come back into the room and I tensed. He went straight passed me and a moment later the sound of the shower made background music in the room.
I didn't move the entire time. I didn't flinch either once he came out and climbed into bed next to me. At first, he didn't touch me, but after a little while I heard him sigh in defeat as he wrapped one arm around me, pulling me closer to him. I felt his skin on my bare shoulder. A scent wafted over to me and I could tell it was his, but it was still sickeningly tainted by the smoke. Rob just held me like that and neither of us moved. We didn't have to speak, we'd had this conversation before, having it again wouldn't change anything. Neither did it change my desire to turn over and tell him how sorry I was and to beg for what I could do to have him forgive me.
I couldn't bring myself to do that, so I gave in to my next strongest desire. I turned over and kissed the corner of his mouth, snuggling into his bare chest.
He didn't kiss me back, but I could feel him relax a little.
"I-"
"Don't." I interrupted.
I was about to go on when he put his hand over my mouth.
"I love you." he finished.
I stared at him a moment, then looked away. I kissed his jaw this time, and then I had to turn back over.
I knew he meant it and I meant it too, so why couldn't I say it back?
I fought back the tears as he turned his back to me.
Neither of us moved before sleep took me.
