<---Previously
It was Valentine's Day and we had spent the entire day together. We were now in L.A. in his apartment. Robert held me close to him as he did at the beginning of every night and I was content in his arms.
It was Valentine's Day and we had spent the entire day together. We were now in L.A. in his apartment. Robert held me close to him as he did at the beginning of every night and I was content in his arms.
"I'll be going home later tomorrow." I reminded him, trying to start a conversation, he was oddly silent.
He sighed and stroked my hair, "I know."
I took his hand and inspected it in between mine. "And then in a couple weeks I'll start school again and you'll start working."
He didn't respond.
"I'll really miss you." I mumbled, feeling somewhat childish.
"But you don't have to miss me." he said quietly.
I looked up and met his ever changing eyes boring into me.
"You don't have to go."
I stared at him not understanding.
"You don't have to keep going to school-well, unless you want to- but I can take care of you." His eyes scattered about my face.
"Don't go." he said. "Stay with me. Please, come with me." He was holding my face as if he would never, couldn't ever let go. "Marry me." he begged.
He held me in place with his eyes and I hardly believed my ears. My throat constricted and I barely felt like I was breathing.
"Yes." I managed to say.
"Ah." he moaned as if in relief it was almost like he had been holding his breath.
Robert's eyes lit up like I had never seen before and he kissed me passionately and I kissed him back with just as much longing.
It is impossible to be flying and falling at the same time, yet that was exactly what I felt was happening to me at that moment as we both submitted to our humanity.
I stared at the morning light on the ceiling as a million emotions swirled in my chest, but I didn't dare think. Robert was still asleep next to me, but I didn't dare look at him. I hardly dared to breathe.
Giving up on resting anymore, I shuffled out of the covers and changed, grabbed an extra blanket, wrapped it around my shoulders and went downstairs. By the time I reached the last step I had decided what I wanted, needed to do. With a determined walk I made my way to the entertainment center. I fired up a Guitar Hero game and put on headphones so I didn't bother Robert upstairs. I picked the heaviest song that I could complete and turned up the volume until it pounded in my head. I played the same song over and over going faster and harder each time and my arms began to ache. It was so loud that I didn't notice Robert until he was pulling the headphones off of my head.
"Katie." he said softly.
I ignored him continuing to play the song, starting to fight the urge to cry.
He put one arm around my waist and the other hand on the guitar.
He said my name again, pulling the guitar out of my grasp. I gave up and let it go turning around burying my face into his chest as I burst into tears. He dropped the controller on the floor and held me to him tightly, one hand on my head.
"It'll be okay." he repeated over and over as he tried to calm me.
"I love you." I stuttered. "I love you so much Rob." I kept saying as I wept.
"I'm so sorry." he whispered.
"It's not your fault." I whimpered.
He took my face into his hands making me look at him, "It's just as much my fault as it is yours." He softened, "I didn't stop either."
I shook my head at him unable to say more.
"We'll fix this." he said once we both calmed down, "We can go and get married today."
"No." I said as I wiped a few last tears from my face. "I promised Tristan years ago that she could be maid of honor no matter who the groom was. We need to do this right."
"You're right." he sighed, holding me close again.
He kissed my head gently then went off into the other room.
He came back a moment later with a closed fist.
"Asking you to marry me last night wasn't my plan, but since I did, and since we're doing this right, I need to give you this."
Robert knelt on the floor in front of me, taking my hand and opened it laying his fist on my palm. He then opened his hand slightly and something fell out of it into mine. He curled my fingers over the object, kissed my hand, and then pushed it back toward me.
With my hand shaking I opened it. On my palm rested a ring, the most simply beautiful and elegant ring I had ever seen, and it hung on a silver chain. It was perfect.
"It's to replace your old necklace. I've noticed you still reaching for something to hold every once in a while from your neck, so here you go. It's to be discrete about the whole thing too, at least for a while." he explained timidly.
Robert then took it out of my hand and stood, stepping behind me and putting it around my neck, clasping it. I traced the loop of the ring it was pleasantly cold against my skin.
I kissed him once he faced me and then I was in his arms once again.
I walked in my front door without a word and Robert came in behind me with my suitcases.
"Katie!" Tristan squealed from the kitchen running into the front room with a huge smile across her face.
I placed a smile on my face as I said hello and then I hugged her a little longer than I usually did. When she pulled away she smiled. Then took my bags from Rob and shuffled off to my room.
Rob took my hand and I turned around as he kissed it.
I went into his arms as he whispered, "I'll be back as fast as I can, a week at the most, and then we can get this all taken care of."
I let out a large sigh thinking about the many jobs ahead of me including telling Tristan, and only Tristan, what had happened.
"We can do this." he said making me look him in the eyes to show me that he truly believed it.
"I know." I answered truthfully.
He then kissed me softly, but fully.
Tristan had apparently returned, because when he pulled away he said, "I have to go now. Bye Tristan." Then to me, "I'll call you, okay?"
"Mmhmm." I answered.
Robert held me against his chest and we swayed like he was trying to comfort me by rocking me back and forth.
"I love you." he whispered in my ear.
"I know." I said into his chest.
He ran his hand over my head and kissed it, then went out the door.
I stayed where he left me, one arm wrapped around my stomach, my fingers gently touching the ring under my shirt while staring at the floor.
I sighed.
"What?" Tristan asked, I could hear the suspicion in her voice.
I continued to look at the floor without seeing it.
"You're going to really miss him this time, huh?" she asked kindly.
"No." I let out starting to feel frustrated. "That's not it."
I turned quickly and stalked off to my room.
"Then what is it?" she asked not angry.
She followed me into my room where I sat in the middle of my bed holding my knees to my chest.
I had tried to prepare myself for this explanation, but, like every time I discussed something that was hard, when it came to actually saying it my voice was caught in my throat.
I screamed a curse to the ceiling and held my head in my frustration.
Then seeing Tristan's confused and somewhat horrified face realized my only option.
I dove for my laptop and, as fast as I could, typed out everything that happened.
Once I finished I had her come and sit on my bed, handing her the computer.
She took it sitting up against the pillows. I sat next to her and laid my head on her shoulder as she read, pulling the ring out and holding it in my hand.
When she finished she set the computer down on the bed and wrapped her arms around me and kissed my head. She didn't say anything. She didn't need to. She knew the pain and confusion Rob and I were both feeling. Pain because we had made a grave mistake and were extremely disappointed in ourselves. Confusion because even though we knew that what had happened was wrong and that we hadn't wanted it, we didn't necessarily regret it. It had been an amazing thing even if it had occurred at the wrong time.
And even though we couldn't change the past, couldn't necessarily make it right, we weren't going to let it happen again.
-----------------
It was the day after Katie got back. I hadn't slept well, thinking about what I would say to Katie. As I lie awake I was surprised at the conclusion I came to.
I went out into the living room and found Katie sitting on the couch, a blank stare on her face. Slowly I lowered myself down next to her. I brushed some hair from her face and wrapped my arm around her shoulder.
"Katie?" I spoke softly.
"Hum?" Her stare didn't move. I could tell she was blocking out most thoughts, trying to sort them carefully.
"Can I tell you something?"
She blinked suddenly and her face twisted a bit, as if she feared what might be coming, as if I would give her some lecture but she slowly shook her head yes.
"I wanted to tell you… I'm… I mean…" I searched for the words. "Katie, I'm not disappointed in you."
This shocked her out of her trance and she looked up at me, a bit shocked.
I smiled softly at her. "Honey, I trust you, trust your intuitions and judgments. And truthfully, I trust Robert too. I know that if it was the wrong time one of you would have stopped it. You both had many chances for that. And I don't feel that what you did was wrong. Yes, you're not married, but I see so much more in the relationship you have than I see in most modern marriages. I see you two together and it fits. I'm not disappointed in what happened. I just wanted you to know that." Then I got up to leave.
Katie grabbed my arm before I could leave. I tensed. Her eyes were soft, slightly clouded, as she searched my eyes. "Really? You mean all that? I mean all of it?"
My body relaxed and I sighed. "Of course, Katie. Every word."
She sighed and smiled at me. "Thank you."
----------
"So." Katie's eyes lit up. "We're getting married."
That was no surprise to me, Katie had already told me. "I know."
It was Robert's turn to smile at me. "Ya." He took Katie's hand and stared at her for a moment. She stared back and I started to feel as if I was intruding on a private moment but at the same time I was glad to be sharing this tender exchange with them.
Slowly, they both turned back to me, still holding hands. Robert was glowing. "We want you to plan it."
I knew that my face had broken into a huge smile. Katie always said she would let me plan her wedding, but I had never really thought it would happen and now I was getting the chance.
"We want to get married before Robert has to leave again." Katie said.
So I sighed and turned to Robert. "So when do you leave?"
"Two weeks."
I think I might have fainted for a second. "WHAT?! But the… and…. Oh… two weeks?"
Robert laughed. "But I'll be back in three months for the wedding."
I breathed a small sigh of relief but the panic must still shown on my face because Katie was trying a hard as she could to hold back a laugh. Then I quickly got up, deciding not to waste any precious time. As I felt the room I picked up the phone and let out a small panicked whimper.
I picked up the phone book and flipped through it. As I dialed the phone I heard Katie's muffled footsteps behind me. She leaned over my shoulder.
"What are you doing?"
"Shhh… I'm on the phone."
"To who?"
"This really awesome cake place. Yum. The make the best chocolate and butter cream cake ever!"
Joy washed over Katie's face as she wrapped her arms around my shoulder and sighed. "Thank you." She breathed.
After I got off the phone I returned to the living room where Katie and Robert sat laughing. I plopped down across from them. "So, what's my budget?" I asked with a small smile.
"Oh how does 20,000 sound?"
I smiled evilly. "Oh, I can work with that."
------
I had my arms folded on the back of the couch with my head resting on them. I was watching Tristan bending over the phone, her fingers stroking the phone book pages as though they were pages of scripture. I tilted my head as I watched her talking frantically though I didn't really hear what she was saying, my melancholy state of mind fogging my surroundings.
I sighed quietly. We'd already gone to three stores today and spent at least two and a half hours in each. I really hoped she wasn't trying to get to any more before they closed. I was tired and hungry and even though I did like what things we had decided on, I felt no attachment to them. Something was off.
I realized with a sinking feeling what we were doing. We were rushing to get married to make up for our mistake.
Instantly, I countered the thought. No, he said that he was planning on asking me in the next few days, so in all reality, we'd probably be doing this exact thing right now regardless of what happened.
I held onto that truth as if it would be the only thing keeping me breathing at that moment.
Tristan hung up the phone and gave me an unsure smile. I smiled back just as unconvincingly. Then the phone rang and I about jumped over the back of the couch as Tristan jerked a little then answered it.
"Hello? …Oh yeah here she is."
Tristan handed the phone to me and I took it cautiously. Why didn't this feel right?
I turned around and sank my bottom onto the cushion. "Hello?"
"Hey."
My heart plummeted. It was Rob, but I could tell from his voice that something wasn't right.
"What's…wrong?" I asked carefully, not sure if I wanted to hear the answer.
He sighed, and sounded frustrated, but guilty.
"They're thinking of taking longer with filming." He blurted in one breath.
I paused. "For how long?" I was surprised by how small my voice was.
"At least a month." He answered his anger rising.
"Oh." I let myself fall slowly sideways, curling into myself gently.
"Just-I'm so sorry. I'm trying to convince them, but-it's not like I can tell them what to do, and-"
"It's okay." I interrupted.
This made him stop. "No, it's not okay." He murmured.
"We'll figure it out." I said, beings it was the only thing I could say and be completely truthful.
He sighed. "Yeah. I'll let you know when I find out more."
"Kay."
He sighed again, but it was more releasing.
"Hey."
"Hmm?"
"I love you. Really…I do…so much."
"I love you too." I managed to say, my voice beginning to catch in my throat.
"Bye."
"Bye." I whispered. I hung up the phone and let it gently fall to the floor.
Four months.
It would possibly be four months after we'd gotten engaged that we'd be getting married.
And after four months I could possibly be-
I sighed internally, not allowing myself to finish the thought.
"It's highly unlikely." Tristan said with authority.
I had voiced my concern with her after I had first come home and we discussed my body's cycles before and after the fact.
"Okay." I nodded, not looking at her, still skeptical.
It might have been scientifically unlikely, but that didn't make it impossible.
