It seemed that some of the best things in my life had the worst flaws.
That's what I was thinking about as Rob stood outside in the back yard smoking a cigarette.
He was doing well with the drinking and other things, he just hadn't gotten to that one yet. I couldn't find myself feeling grateful for the things he had already given up because I wasn't sure if the one that remained was worse than the others combined. I didn't know which I feared more. I could almost hear the ticking increase as his time speed by, or decreased with each drag.
I fought back the tears as the terror once again nearly overwhelmed me. I could never let him see that. I was positive it would lead him to think that he could never be good enough for me.
Could he ever be?
I immediately shook that thought away. He was more than that; he was good enough, except for that.
Tristan walked in, my one exception, and I gratefully took her a tight embrace. She mercifully hugged me back and we stood there holding each other for a few moments and I knew she understood without me having to utter a word.
I pulled away and put a smile on my face. I had to be good.
I made myself look again toward Rob keeping the expression. He had put the cigarette out and was reaching for his guitar. Sitting down on the porch bench he began to play.
I rubbed Tristan's arm and turned away from her, walking over to the glass door and sitting against it, so that I could hear better, but without having to smell the smoke.
After a few moments his voice joined in with the strings and it didn't warm my heart as much as it did closer to my ear, a sheet of glass between us.
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I adjusted the phone on my shoulder and laid my books on the table. "Ya. I have the next four months off of school."
"No homework then." Joe said.
"Nope. And Katie left after school today. I have the house to myself."
There was muffled laughter on the other end of the line. "Well for now anyway."
"You planning on changing that then?" I asked.
"Well… maybe. Ok then. Well bye." The phone abruptly went dead.
"Joe?"
There was no answer and then the dial tone started. He hung up on me. I tossed the phone onto the couch and headed to my room. My sweats and an old t-shirt lay on my dresser.
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Joe had fallen asleep next to me. His breathing was light and his face was completely relaxed and peaceful. Around me his arms tightened and he absent mindedly pulled me in closer with a sigh.
I smiled as I watched him sleeping. All I could think of was how much he looked like an angel laying there with me. Gently I reached up and touched his face, reassuring myself this was real, he was real. With my fingertips I traced his jaw line then slowly ran my hand down his neck. I closed my eyes and leaned into him, resting my ear to his chest.
The soft, constant lull of his heart beat was soothing and I soon found my eyes too heavy to keep open. At that moment there was nowhere else I could possibly ever want to be, than there, in his arms, listing to his heart beating.
When I woke up Joe was softly stroking my hair. I shifted my face a bit, nuzzling him softly. "Hi." I said quietly into his chest.
"Hi." He said back, kissing the top of my head. "How'd you sleep?"
I sighed. "Great. You?"
"Never slept better."
"How long have you been up?"
He turned and looked at the clock. "An hour or so."
"What?" I sat up a bit. "An hour? Why didn't you wake me?"
"I liked watching you sleep." He smiled as if he was admitting something.
I smiled softly back at him. "You fell asleep before me and I spent some time watching you sleep too."
He reached up and ran his finger down my nose, traced the side of my mouth, and took my chin between his thumb and forefinger. Slowly he propped himself up on his other elbow, bringing his face close to mine.
"You know what?" He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine.
I sighed and closed my eyes. Our lips parted and I asked, "What?"
He kissed me again. Then he pulled away and looked me in the eyes. Finally, he took a deep breath and smiled, "I love you."
My heart nearly exploded. It beat so hard against the inside of my chest I thought it would bruise my ribs. I searched his face for a moment, hoping, for once, not to find a joke.
"I love you, too." I almost whispered. Brushing a piece of hair from his face I leaned in and kissed his forehead.
Playfully he swung his head around and kissed me on the lips. Fiercely, I kissed him back, weaving my fingers into his hair. After a moment I pulled back and, smiling, looked at him. I rested my forehead against his as he chuckled softly.
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College. If I thought high school was bad this was an endless pit of everything disgusting in the world.
Finally it was the last day of term, last class, last three minutes! I would have the next four months free of their ridiculous and tedious standards and homework. I also didn't have to work until after the holidays. I had the intentions to make extensive plans in this free time.
Almost everyone in our entourage was pretty close to being completely free in this time as well. Robert had just finished with all of the hoophla of releasing another film. He had been gone a long time. The "J" Boys, as I now often referred to them as, had time off to be with their family the last couple of weeks and Tristan had the same amount of time off as me.
But I hadn't heard from anyone.
The bell rang and I gathered my things absent-mindedly walking out the door.
A second after I passed the doorframe something black and thick was thrown over my face and I was pulled into someone's arms.
"Not too loud now darling." Came a muffled, but familiar voice in my ear.
I smiled to myself as there was a sudden warmth inside me.
My vision returned and Robert turned me around.
I had been expecting to see his face but I was met with a completely black mass where his head should have been. It took me a second to realize that he was just wearing a helmet. There was a spot of light and I was able to see his blaring smile through the tinted glass.
I smiled softly, "Hello."
I knew that now wasn't the time for more sensual greetings.
Robert handed me what he had covered my face with. It was a leather jacket that was similar to the one that he was currently wearing.
"Oh." I understood.
He chuckled and took my hand and towed me out to the parking lot and sure enough there sat a sleek black motorcycle.
I let out a nervous breath as he handed me a helmet.
"What? Are you scared?" he teased.
"A little." I admitted. "We are just going to my house on this thing right?"
He laughed. "For now." he said.
"Great." I said sarcastically.
"Put on your jacket, it's cold." he said as he swung his leg over.
I stayed put just watching him for a minute. He had no clue how attractive he looked sitting on that thing.
"Come on!" he said excitedly and started the engine.
I sighed again. Closing my eyes as I put on the jacket and helmet trying to calm my nerves a little.
I clambered on.
"That's my girl." he muttered, then revved the engine.
I wrapped my arms tightly around his warm waist, grateful that out of a lot of girls in this world that would have gone plenty further than murder and all those that could be in my place, that I was the one with my arms around him. "...my girl." he'd said.
We got to my place and I got off, leaving my helmet on the seat and went to unlock the door.
He followed after me and as soon as the door closed I was on him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. It felt so amazingly fresh after him being gone for so long. He kissed me back for a moment then pulled away.
"There will be more time for that later, right now we have to hurry."
"Why?" I asked not letting him go anywhere.
"We need to get to L.A. before dark." he answered.
"Why?" I said again, sounding a little more perplexed and a little more like an annoying toddler.
"I'm kidnapping you for the weekend at my place." He gave a menacing grin.
"Should I be afraid?"
"Oh, yes." he taunted, putting his lips to my throat. "Very afraid." he murmured into my skin, grazing my neck with his teeth.
Robert pulled away again before my senses had registered his movement. My eyes had been closed and a shiver went up my spine.
"So, do I need to pack?" my voice was stronger than I had expected it to be.
"No, I asked Tristan to do that earlier today. Your things will get there a few hours before us. You just need to leave your school things."
"Oh."
"So go!" he pushed me towards my room.
I laughed at him.
I quickly did as he said and rushed out the door with him.
"We're riding the bike all the way to L.A.?" I asked in horror.
"Yup. Zip up your jacket and hold on tight." he kissed my hand he'd been holding and let it drop so that I could get a good hold on him.
It was a long drive, but I couldn't really say that it was boring. We didn't get to speak, but I was able to be completely aware of his presence and his physical being. I also wondered what he had planned for us while we were there. Maybe some quality time by a fire on a sofa. I would accept practically anything as long as I could feel him.
The sun was just hitting the horizon as we sped into the hills outside of the city.
Robert drove into a driveway in front of a house surrounded by green grass. The walls, for a moment, also looked green until I realized the walls were made of a reflective glass.
The garage door opened in front of us. He must have had a button. As it started to close again once we were inside, I got off, removed the helmet, yawned and stretched.
Robert was walking around a little. I looked at him as he looked around the garage then at his watch. His eyes finally rested on me, I grinned at him, and he smiled softly.
"Close your eyes." he sounded excited about something.
I obeyed and waited. He took my wrists and began pulling me forward.
"Don't worry, I'll guide you." he said.
I laughed softly. "Okay, I trust you."
He led me, as he said, through mysterious halls, telling me when to step and keeping me out of harm's way. Anytime he spoke his voice echoed, so I assumed that the inside of the house was pretty spacious, but that was all I could tell about it.
After we made it slowly up some stairs, we walked a little farther and then he stopped me.
"Keep them closed." he urged.
I gave a fake sigh, "Okay."
He released me and I let my arms fall to my sides. I heard the sound of rustling fabric and my eyebrows furrowed. What was he doing?
"Alright," his voice was suddenly behind me, "You can open them now." I could hear his smile.
I opened my eyes and instantly gasped; my hands slowly went to my mouth. We were on the second floor standing in front of the wall that was all windows, looking at the most amazing sunset I have ever seen. Pink, yellow, and orange light flooded the area for miles, making everything glow.
"Oh my-" I whispered through my hands making my voice muffled.
Robert was suddenly there his hands on my wrists lowering them and entangling them with his own wrapping them around my waist.
"It's so beautiful." I whispered to him.
His lips were by my cheek, "The sunset? That's nothing."
I looked at him; he was staring back at me with a smile so content and happy, his eyes gleamed with pride.
A feeling came over me then. I was sure I'd felt it before, but no name came to me.
My heart had been revived, I knew that, but maybe it hadn't just been brought back to life. Maybe it had been reborn.
A breeze blew around the spark and it fed on it. It was something it had had before, but the first time it hadn't expected it. It hadn't known it was coming this time either, it didn't expect it to come again, but this time it knew what it was. It knew and wanted, no needed more. More oxygen. It was alive, but not living. Suddenly, it felt a strong wind coming. It wanted it, but it was so strong. It was afraid. Would this wind be enough to bring it back to a breathing flame or would it run it over, smother it, blow it out forever?
Robert kissed my head gently; the warmth of his lips lingered on my skin.
"It really is no comparison." he said as if continuing and not a second had passed. Had a second passed?
He turned me around and I stayed locked in his eyes. He forced me to walk back until I met the glass. Then he backed away a few steps studying me against the sky.
It was only then, when he stood apart from me, that I realized his chest was bare. That was different.
My eyes flashed to his face, he looked amused.
"I guess I am grateful though." he muttered. "The color of the light makes you even more beautiful."
It was somewhat lame, almost typical.
Robert came back to me and pressed his arms against the glass over my head.
Why was my heart pounding in my chest? Was I breathing?
He closed his eyes and brushed his nose, his lips, slowly up the side of my face. I remained in my unresponsive state.
I heard and felt him breathe through his parted lips, and then he in took air and kissed me.
The flame exploded, it roared, but what was feeding it?
I was pressed harder against the glass and my hands found his shoulders, then his neck and up to his jaw wanting to hold him there.
It was as if all I could suddenly feel was this fire, but something about it felt strange. There was something in his eager kiss that wasn't quite the same as before. It felt like he was taking more than he was giving.
Robert's hands were at my hips, so warm and soft against my cold skin. I shuddered slightly. His hands traced up my sides, then to my back and up my spine, pausing at my bra line then tracing underneath it.
I turned my head to the side, breaking away from him. He went to kissing my jaw, then in the hollow of my throat.
"What are you doing?" I asked weakly.
"What does it look like?" He murmured into the nape of my neck.
Then he took his hands under both of my thighs, lifting them and forcing me to bend my knees. He lifted me and wrapped my legs around his hips using the window to support me. I gasped at his closeness. I couldn't move out of the position he now had me in.
He grabbed my face with both of his hands and kissed me again, forcing my mouth open.
My entire body was now on alert and tense. The flame settled down and flickered, somewhat disappointed.
I tore away from him again.
"Robert." I protested.
His hands were under my shirt again, wrapping around my waist as he kissed my neck again, then my collarbone.
I pushed against them. "Stop. Put me down."
He didn't hesitate, let alone stop. "Why?" he asked.
"Because I'm not that kind of girl." I said bluntly and sounded angry though I wasn't...wasn't I?
This made him freeze. Suddenly I was practically dropped on the floor as he pushed away from me and I barely caught my footing.
"Then what kind of girl are you?!" he exploded, now six feet away from me, eyes wide, face red.
"Are you the adventure seeking reporter?! Yes, that's what you are." he began pacing a short distance while staring at me. He looked like a lion in a cage.
"You're the news reporter trying to get the scoop on Robert Pattinson and how to change the "bad boy." How to make him fall for you and then say how absolutely pathetic and foolish he was to fall for it!" he hollered. "Well, that's all over now." and he stormed out scooping his shirt off of the floor on his way without stopping.
I couldn't move. My ears were buzzing and my head spun and all I could do was stare in front of me where he had been.
I heard some doors slam, then the rev of an engine. After a moment I spun around just in time to see his car speed off down the road and out of sight.
My knees gave out under me and I fell to the floor, with one hand on the window in an attempt to stop myself.
Robert's words hit me like a thousand swords. They weren't true, but was he right in saying that my affections were fake?
Were my feelings for him non-existent or that invisible?
My eyes were looking at the floor and when they focused I noticed a red rose petal lying on the floor in between my collapsed legs.
I picked it up gingerly between my two fingers and then held it in my palm. I smelled it. Its scent was sweet, but traditional of a red rose. I finally took a look around the room.
It was large. It took up the entire second floor. Where the windows ended was a wall that had a small couch against it. Off center of the room was a bed with cream and soft blue colored sheets. There was other various furniture and doors and the carpet was the same cream color as the bed sheet.
All over every single surface lay rose petals, save the bed.
I knew I had been right in stopping him, but was I doing anything right by him? Doing anything good for him? Did I want him and care for him like he seemed to do me? Or was it just me being desperate, finding something to hold onto after being hurt so thoroughly? Did he deserve to suffer like this?
I struggled out of the leather jacket and got up slowly, tears now streaming down my face, and stumbled around the room. I found my suitcases and searched through them, finding my baggiest pajamas. I put them on and climbed into the bed, curling into a ball.
I knew he wouldn't be back for a while, which was good I had some things to figure out.
