The first few scenes will more than likely confuse you. Don't hurt yourself trying to figure them out, just move on.
Enjoy!
~K.&M.
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I stared at my hands after having put the magazine back with the others, the words and images flashing repeatedly in front of my eyes. I took a sharp breath when Tristan walked in and my vision blurred.
I heard her muffled footsteps coming toward the living room through the ringing in my ears.
"It's exactly the same." I said.
"What?" she asked with a soft voice, but I could still hear the shock and worry.
"It's exactly the same as before." I choked out.
"What do you mean?"
I felt her hands on my back and stopped myself from cringing.
"There are all these rumors and...reasons for me not to trust him, to care, but I--" I felt sick and heavy. Oh, how I wanted to sleep. "And I'm so afraid. I don't know what to believe."
Some sobs escaped as I thought of having to face him, face how I felt, face how weak I was.
"Damn it!" Hot tears streamed down my cheeks and I buried my face in my hands, doubling over. "You'd think I'd learn!" I hollered.
Tristan's arms were around me, but they weren't a comfort and I hated how much I wanted them to be his arms.
..........................
The red numbers of the clock glowed brightly in my eyes. Two o'clock. I sighed and turned over closing my eyes tightly, trying to will myself to sleep. I hadn't even dosed once since I laid down, but I was so tired. I was tired of worrying, of being unsure. I wanted to fall asleep and forget it all, letting my mind's natural defense take over. I knew once I woke in the morning it would all be bottled away so tightly that my mood would be the complete opposite as it was now. Although, I couldn't help but wonder if that bottle was getting a little full.
I couldn't deny how I felt about him. I knew this feeling that was still in my chest from having talked to him hours before. I had felt it before. This pure joy, this happiness and completion, but I knew that it was blinding. I had been wrong before.
My door creaked open, but I didn't move.
"Katie?" Tristan whispered through the crack, her voice gave me a glimpse of what she must have sounded like as a child.
"You too?" I answered, my voice unwavering.
She opened the door all the way and came in. I scooted over and lifted the blanket for her as she slipped into bed next to me. We faced each other and I looked into her eyes, seeing the same fear and worry that were in mine. The difference was she was mostly unsure of what she felt and that scared her, whereas I was terrified of what I was feeling.
I wasn't worried for her at all and I knew there was nothing I could say that I hadn't already. She just needed the time to embrace it, to find the courage to jump into it head first. I knew this was good for her and I had no doubt in Joe's honesty or sincerity. My own past and paranoia let me be afraid. Robert was an actor and I could have no way of knowing if he was being himself. I had been tricked before.
I looked away as my heart's old scars began to bleed.
Tristan sighed and I glanced back getting a hold of myself and she gave me a small, sympathetic, unsure smile.
I tried to smile back.
"Boys." I sighed.
Sarcasm. Fabulous. Like that was going to help.
"Mmmhmm." She sighed deeper than she had before and I saw it in her eyes as she replayed things in her head.
I closed my eyes and sunk farther into my pillow, pulling my comforter tighter around my shoulders. I felt Tristan snuggle closer to me. This was the best support we could give each other and I figured it was enough as I finally, gratefully fell asleep.
………………..
Robert was visiting for the weekend. It was the first time he had been able to see me since he said he'd stop drinking. As a result he had stopped partying with friends and cast members, and was turning down roles for risky movies. It had been all over the media about him "turning over a new leaf" or otherwise offending people and losing his place in the star world.
He said he would change because of me and now his reputation and career were paying for it.
The guilt had been resting in my stomach for months, but I had never said anything to him. I was too afraid, but I also wanted to talk to him about it face to face.
Robert was in the shower and I was sitting on the couch feeling awful again.
I stared straight ahead as he came around the couch to face me. Once he saw my expression he knelt down and took my hands looking into my eyes.
"What's wrong?" His eyes glowed with tenderness, but I could still see the slight fear behind them.
"All of this refusing that you're doing...please tell me it isn't about me." I pleaded with him.
He didn't break our gaze, but his expression became somewhat of a "duh" look.
"But it is all about you." he said sweetly.
"You can't be doing all this to just try and impress me. It's ridiculous." I argued.
He chuckled a little. "No, it's not that I'm trying to impress you." He raised one of his hands to my face, brushing my cheek bone with his thumb. "There's just something about you that makes me..." he stopped and sighed, searching for the words. "That makes me want to refuse, makes me want to be what you need."
"How do you know what I need." my voice broke as I shook my head.
He made my face still again making me look at his eyes. "It's in your eyes. It's in your name. The way you live and everything you are tells me what you need. And if I'm to have any hope of being worthy of you then I have a lot of work ahead of me."
"I'm not worth it. I'm not worth all this struggle and your career." I protested.
"Not worth it?" he replied stunned. "But you were right. It is all just vain and temporary. And it's not hard for me to refuse. Anytime I'm tempted I just think of you and I can say no without any regret. Katie, because of you I can see things clearly and I know what real happiness is." He stroked my cheek again, his eyes softening. "And because of this happiness I know that I can become what you need, one day."
Then he moved my hair from my face and very softly kissed my lips. "I already have all that I need."
....................
"Rob!" I hollered, stepping out of my bedroom. "This isn't going to work."
He turned and faced me, hands on his hips. "What isn't going to work?" he asked with a giggle appraising me in his shirt and pants which I was holding up.
"I need a belt!" I complained.
"Why? It looks good like that." he said. "It's very guy...ish."
"Well yeah, except for the part where I let go and we're given away by my girly legs." I eyed him totally skeptical about his plan.
Rob's eyebrows raised and he averted his gaze, "Are your legs girly? I wouldn't know."
I sighed and rolled my eyes letting go of the pants. I wasn't concerned since I was already wearing a long pair of plaid boxers over my underwear, so it was like a pair of shorts.
I could tell he was trying not to look, but he glanced quickly.
"Yeah," he coughed "That won't work, but I don't have a belt."
"Well, I don't have one either." I commented.
Then I got an idea.
I stepped out of the pants and tossed them back to Rob, and quickly went back into my room.
He came in behind me as I dived into my closet.
"Do you have something?" he asked as I emerged.
"These." I said, holding of my pair of black polyester pants.
I'd had these for years and they still survived. They were baggy enough that they would work.
"Oh." Rob said as I slipped them on.
I put on my sneakers, then began pulling one of his sweaters over my head.
When my head came out of the top, his face was less than an inch from mine.
And the way that he was looking at me always made me want to cry a little
Rob's eyes shone with such love, such awe in a way that always made the rest of the world disappear.
He stuffed my hair in a beanie and pulled it over my ears, then his gaze met mine again.
His thumbs brushed my cheeks and something bubbled inside me as I glowed and I felt my cheeks burn slightly.
I ran my hands over his jaw and neck and just looked back at him. Rob kissed me then in a way I probably shouldn't have allowed him to at this point, but I let him knowing that we wouldn't be able to be affectionate in any way for a number of hours.
A cough came from the doorway and took us a moment to acknowledge it.
Tristan stood in the doorway with an odd look on her face. It was somewhere between amusement, disapproval, and embarrassment.
"We gotta get going." she said after a second, my arms still around Rob's neck.
"Okay, fine." I said with a sigh and we made our way out of the house to the car full of our luggage.
At the airport I got out of the car and sighed as I put on a pair of very guyish sunglasses. The mere size of the airport made my head spin. With the amount of people hustling about in it, if my head was spinning it was doing so in a mini soda can that was getting crushed.
I resisted with all my might to cling to Rob as he climbed out of the car next to me.
The trunk popped open and my head turned to the sound. I went to it and started pulling out our luggage, handing Rob his. Rob had a great deal less bags than I did, and so as I went pulling mine over my shoulders he reached out for one I was about to pick up.
"How about I-" he began but I frowned at him.
"Right." he said looking around and scratching his head.
I straightened ready to go, but not sure where to when Tristan came over to us.
"You look like a girl with all that luggage! Or at least his lackey!" She said sternly with her hands on her hips.
"So what if I am his lackey?!" I whispered back to her in the same tone.
Rob looked kind of frightened as we stared at each other. He was probably wondering if he should break up the possible fight. We weren't really fighting though, just both nervous and under pressure.
After a moment of our showdown, Tristan grabbed one of the bags from my hand and thrust it at Rob.
"There." she said.
"Okay..." Rob answered sounding relieved.
Tristan turned back and we faced each other, eventually relaxing, a small and sad smile on both of our faces.
"Bye." I whispered.
She swiftly walked over and hugged me, and I gave her a one-armed hug in return.
"E-mail me." Tristan demanded.
"Yup."
Then she went over and hugged Rob, who looked like he felt extremely awkward, kind of patting her on the back.
"Bye."
Once released, Rob turned to go and I followed him closely not sure what to do. I was careful not to be as light in my foot steps as I often was causing me to smile, feeling slightly cocky while trying not to laugh...until I tripped.
Luckily I didn't fall though, coming out of my stumble and catching up with Rob who was also restraining the laughter. I thought I heard Tristan's giggling behind us, but I didn't turn around.
We made it through all the gates without attracting attention and I made sure to take deep breaths as we entered the plane.
"Nervous?" Rob asked in front of me.
"Yes." I responded. "I get slight vertigo." I was able to talk to him a bit since there were only a few people on the plane just yet.
I wasn't sure he heard me, because the next thing he asked was if I wanted the window seat.
"Um. I dunno. I get slight vertigo, but I usually love window seats." I did not want to get sick.
"Well, let's try it, since I've been on a plane many times, so I don't need to." he stepped aside for me to get through. "If you need to, I'll switch with you."
"Are you sure? Wouldn't it be better for you to be over there?" I was worded about his unwanted attention.
"It's fine."
"Okay...." I took my seat and closed my eyes.
We didn't talk again as more people began to get on and I was starting to feel better until the engine started.
I clutched my small backpack with my supplies in it to my chest. Then once I realized how it must have looked, I carefully put it on the ground between my legs and leaned against the window, trying to look bored.
I could feel myself shaking as I withheld a moan from escaping my lips.
Warmth shuddered through me as Rob's arm touched my shoulder. He had leaned over to whisper, "You okay?"
"I don't know." I whispered back.
He gave a frustrated sigh.
"I'll be okay...eventually....I had to get used to this somehow." I said, trying to reassure him.
He turned to me and a fake smile curled up on his face for an instant, then quickly disappeared and we both turned away from each other.
I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on the speed and sound of my breathing. My heart rate slowed.
(Tristan assistance in air traveling experience!)
I could hear my heart pounding in my head still even though it was over and had been for several minutes.
"Ready?" Rob asked, an excited grin on his face.
"How can I be?" I asked the new type of horror settling in.
He chuckled and stood grabbing his bags that he brought on board, "I don't know." he said with raised eyebrows.
I stood with heavy legs and followed Rob into the aisle. We made our way toward the exit and it all seemed almost in slow motion.
I was about to set foot in the first foreign country I had ever been in, probably my most anticipated one, and all I could think about was not being able to feel the warm hand of the man in front of me wrap around mine.
We got to the exit and I didn't allow myself to hesitate after he stepped out of the airplane and onto the steps. I walked through and was instantly hit with a nearly icy wind. It was so cold, but felt so wonderful. The sky was covered in a glorious gray, the ground wet and dark with many puddles.
Rob had reached the ground and inhaled with his arms stretched in the air. I inhaled as well; it smelled fresh like rain but with a hint of fuel and various other scents that I had no confidence in naming.
He turned back to look at me as I came up beside him.
"I'm home." he grinned at me.
I smiled softly back at him.
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This part was too long to do as one post, so it had to be broken up. So, I get to say:
TO BE CONTINUED…
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