It was my mom's birthday and my family was having a barbeque. Joe was sitting next to me in the car as I pulled up to the house.
"So this is it." He said as I parked in the loop out front.
"Ya." I said looking at the house for a minute. "This is home."
We got out of the car and as I shut my door Toby came bounding around the side of the house. Somehow he always knew it was me. "Toby!" I called to him as he started barking happily. Quickly I opened the small gate and he rushed out at me, immediately leaning on my legs. "Oh, Boy!" I rubbed him and he licked me.
Joe got out of the car and Toby cocked his head to the side staring at him. "So this is Toby?" Joe asked as he brushed off the front of his jeans.
"Yup. The one and only." I got down on one knee still petting him. "Toby, this is Joe. We like him."
Bending over Joe extended his hand in greeting to be sniffed. Toby sniffed him a bit then swung his face up licking Joe's hand. "Good boy!" Joe and I chimed together.
As Joe petted Toby I smiled. "Well, the dog likes you. I think the hard part is over."
Joe looked up at me nervously. "Sure." He said looking back at the house.
I stood and reached out and took Joe's hand. Looking into his eyes I smiled. "You'll be fine. Let's go."
Both of us grabbed our presents out of the back seat and I had to smile remembering helping Joe pick something to get my mom. We walked through the gate holding hands and Toby bounded ahead of us, more than like headed to where ever my dad was. My smile grew as we walked down the driveway and I pushed Joe with my shoulder, getting him to smile back. We rounded the back of the house and heard my mom.
"Mark? Do you have the burgers ready to go on the barbeque?"
"Yes Dear." My dad responded.
We couldn't see them but judging by the volume they were both outside, seconds from our vision. I heard Joe swallow as we walked around onto the porch were my parents were moving things around. They weren't expecting anyone yet, it was too early for the party, but I wanted to be there early so that Mom and Dad would be the first to meet Joe.
I cleared my throat. "Hey guys!"
Mom and Dad looked up at me and smiled. I watched as their eyes followed my arm to Joe's then to his face. Shock flashed through their faces as they made the connection. Mom's mouth hung open a bit and Dad's eyes flashed with amusement, I could only wonder what his brain was coming up with.
Mom shook it off. "Hi baby." She still hadn't stopped looking at Joe. I was suddenly extremely glad Joe had picked jeans and a gray t-shirt.
"Happy Birthday!" I said and resumed walking, dragging Joe with me. Releasing Joe's hand I set the present down on the table and hugged my mom. Then I leaned over and kissed my dad on the check. Standing up strait I turned to where I left Joe. He stood tall, present still in his hand. I could see he was a bit nervous but I also saw some excitement in his posture. "Mom, Dad, this is Joe Jonas. My boyfriend."
My mom turned to me. "Did I say you could have a boyfriend?"
"Mom!" I pushed her softly.
"Ok, ok." She said and turned back to Joe.
"Joe, this is my mom, Tammi, and my dad, Mark." I pointed to each in turn.
Joe stepped forward and put his hand out to shake my mom's. When she took his hand he smiled. "Nice to meet you. Happy Birthday!"
"Thank you. Nice to meet you too."
Then Joe tuned to my dad. "Nice to meet you."
Dad shook Joe's hand. "Joe Jonas. Not what I was expecting." Then in the classic Dad nature he made a joke. "I thought you where famous for your tight pants?"
Joe looked a bit confused until I started laughing. Once he realized my dad was joking with him I saw the tension leave his shoulders.
Mom and Dad went back to taking care of what they were doing before. "Come on Joe, let's put these inside."
Joe and I walked into the house and threw the kitchen. "Wow. This is a nice kitchen." Joe said looking around.
I took the present from his hand and placed it with mine at the end of the counter. "Dad built it." I said as I turned back to him.
"Your dad built this?" He was amazed.
I smiled and looked around too. "Ya. It's what he does for a living. He builds cabinets. He built most of what is in this house. Want to see?"
"Ya. That's so cool." I took Joe's hand and started to lead him through my childhood home, showing him everything Dad had built. We got to the back of the house, my room.
I stopped before we entered the room. "So this is my bedroom."
He smiled and playfully nudged me. "Childhood bedroom huh?"
"Well more like my teenage bedroom. It didn't always look the same."
"Let's go. I'm excited."
I looked up at him. "I'm not allowed to have boys in my room, so we can skip this one." I
---------------
"Let's go!" I called to Katie, letting her know that both boys were finally here. Joe walked up to the door and I jumped out of it into his arms.
"Hi." I said as I burrowed my face into his chest. I knew I had a minute or two while we waited for Katie and Rob to join us.
Joe took a deep breath and rocked back and forth a bit. "Hi." He said back. "They here?" He asked.
"Ummhum." I muttered into his chest as I sighed.
"Missed you." He said as he lifted me off my feet.
I yelped a bit and struggled against his grip. "Put me down, Joe."
He chuckled. "No." He said smugly, lifting me higher.
As I flailed my feet around I heard laugher from behind me as Katie and Rob joined us. "Stuck, Tristan?" Katie mocked.
"Ha." I stuck my tongue out at her.
Joe laughed and turned to walk towards the car, still not setting me down. "Where are we going?" He asked.
"A place." Katie said, though it was obvious we weren't going anywhere to spectacular.
Finally when we got to my car Joe sat me down, only because I was the one driving.
---------
Katie was sitting in front of me and I patted my pencil on the notebook in my lap as I looked up at her. "What are you doing tomorrow night?"
She looked up from her book. "Hum?"
"Tomorrow night. Do you have plans?"
"No. Why?"
I smiled. "Does Rob?"
Katie looked at me funny. "I don't think so. Why?"
"Oh… I was wondering if you guys wanted to have a sleep over."
Katie laughed. "How do you mean?"
"Well the J boys are coming over and are going to spend the night. We are having a jamma party. I wanted to know if you and Rob wanted to come."
"I'll be there. I have to check on Rob, though."
"Ok." I chimed happily and turned back to my work.
---------
I shuffled to the door leaving Rob and Katie in the living room. My pajamas swished around my legs and made me smile as I opened the door.
"Sorry we're a bit late." Nick said before I could even open the door all the way.
Kevin laughed. "Joe had to 'get ready'. For a pajama party!"
"It takes a lot to look good. Even going to bed!" Joe defended himself.
"Come in guys." I laughed.
As we all walked into the living room the oven chimed. "Pizza is ready!" Katie called as she jumped happily of the couch and ran to the kitchen.
"Is Katie looking forward to the pizza?" Nick asked as Joe said loudly "YES! PIZZA!"
We all laughed. "Looks like more than one of us is excited." I smiled.
A few minutes later Katie came walking in balancing to extra-large pizzas. "Careful! They are hot!"
(fun games and pizza eating!!!)
"I have an idea!" I declared loudly as the others hunted for their blankets.
They all turned and looked at me, at exactly the same time.
"Ok. That was a bit creepy. Anyway. It's summer right?"
Rob raised an eyebrow at me. "If you are referring to the time of year where it gets hot and you and Katie are off school, then yes."
We all giggled a bit, having lost the enthusiasm to laugh hard.
"Ya. But I mean, why don't we sleep outside? We could sleep on the trampoline!"
Katie's eyes went wide and she smiled. "That would be so cool!"
Joe, having already retrieved his blanket, jumped up and yelled "Last one there is a lazy bum!" With that comment he held his blanket up over his head and let it fan out as her ran for the sliding glass door.
Now frantic we all reached for our blankets and pillows in a sudden race. Mine where next to me so I jumped up in hot pursuit of Joe. He threw the slider opened and darted out to the trampoline, jumping up on it and turning to look at us scrambling after him.
Nick and I scrambled up at the same time and turned to watch the others. Kevin was in last but he put on a burst of speed and as he ran past Katie and Rob he pushed Rob into Katie. We all laughed as they both yelled "HEY!"
Kevin jumped up laughing. Rob managed to climb up before Katie.
"Katie's the lazy bum!" Joe called out as he started to bounce.
"Not fair! You guys pushed me!" She called as she climbed up with us.
"Ya, Kevin." I said defending my friend. In a fluke I hit him with my pillow.
"Hey!" Kevin looked over at me. "Now I'm gonna get you." He started to bounce towards me.
"Oh no you don't!" Joe called as he jumped between us. "Keep your pillow of my girl!" He called as he hit Kevin with his pillow.
We laughed as I turned on Rob. "And you were supposed to defend Katie, not leave it to me." I whacked him.
Katie hit me. "Off my man!"
We all erupted with laughter and started to whack each other.
(PILLOW FIGHT!)
The others had become quite and where breathing deeply. I snuggled a bit closer to Joe and sighed. He reached over and put his arm under my head, pulling me to him.
As I rested my head on his side a song started playing in my head. Softly, so as no one would hear, I started to mumble out the lyrics, not quite singing but not just saying them either.
Joe was staring up at the stars but I could see the corners of his mouth pull back into a smile. "I like that song so far." He said softly to me.
"Do you know it?" I asked.
"Sing it again." He said, listening harder.
My throat constricted and the words froze. "Yum…" Was all that came out.
He looked down at me. "What?"
"I don't sing. I can't sing."
Joe smiled at me. "So?"
I blinked up at him.
"I don't care if you can sing or not. Just as long as it is from your heart."
I smiled and nudged him with my nose. "That's sweet, but I still won't sing. I'll mumble sing for you, but that's it."
He chuckled softly. "Then mumble sing it to me."
I began to softly mumble the song again and when I got three words into the course Joe joined me. He didn't know all the words like I did but he murmured the parts he knew. It was the perfect song for the moment.
Finally we both drifted off to sleep.
In the morning I woke to a sharp yell from Katie.
-------
"Katie?" I crocked. "I need you."
Her voice rang sweetly through the phone. "I'll be right home. I do have a stop to make first… but I'll get there as soon as I can."
We said our goodbyes and hung up. I knew I didn't feel like answering the front door, even for Katie, so I slid off the bed and when to my desk. There I found a pad of sticky notes and a pen. Scribbling out a barely legible note telling Katie to just come in I went to the door and placed it outside. Then I changed into a pair of pajama-pants and a baggy t-shirt and flopped back down on my bed.
I lay there in the silence and stared at the ceiling, keeping my mind as blank as I could. Turning onto my side I saw my iPod sitting in its dock and cringed knowing that the play list was on 'Burnin' Up'. The pain had to be bad before it got any better and I knew I would have to face it at some point so I decided to let myself hear his voice now.
Through most of the songs I held firm but one finally hit me. It felt like someone had punched me in the chest and knocked all the air out. I stated gasping as tears rolled down my face. Culling into a ball I started sobbing.
A soft knock pulled me from my stupor. Katie stood in my door, staring at me with horror filled eyes. She had never seen me this low and I knew it was a shock.
I jumped up to run to my friend but she met me at the end of my bed and threw her arms around me. She held me and started to rock back and forth, stroking my hair and slowly saying "Shh… It's all right… I'm here… Shh…"
My chest heaved uncontrollably as I broke down in her arms.
-------
I wrapped my robe tighter around me as I pushed a chair up to the window sill. Rain had been pouring down all night and showed no sign of stopping. As I sat down and leaned onto the sill I let out a sigh that turned into a muffled sob. This was going to be harder than I thought.
My iPod was set to repeat a song that seemed to narrate my current situation. The volume was low and I only had one ear-bud in so I could also sense the silence of the early morning around me. I scrunched my face up as tears rolled down my cheeks and sobs trembled through my body. I watched the rain fall for a while and was able to bottle the hurt and stop the tears.
Time had no relevance to me and I don't know how long I sat there, motionless, staring out at the raindrops hitting the ground. Beauty, sorrow, joy, and pain were all contained in these simple drops of water that fell from the sky. In that instance, I was one of those rain drops, small, insignificant, falling.
Sock covered feet made muffled footsteps that came up the hall. I didn't turn my head, or move at all for that matter, as Katie entered the room. She stood there for a while before she proceeded into the kitchen. Neither of us spoke a word as she rummaged around the kitchen, getting things from cupboards, using the microwave and stirring things around.
After a few minutes she came and placed a mug in front of me on the window sill. Hot chocolate swirled around in a dark mug. Katie leaned in and gently kissed the top of my head and turned to leave.
"Even the sky is crying." I managed to mumble.
Katie half turned back to me, looking sadly at me. After a moment she softly whispered "love you." Then she turned and headed back to her room.
Placing both hands around the mug I brought it up to my face and inhaled. The smell was immensely comforting and I slowly brought the mug to my lips, letting the scolding liquid pour into my mouth and flow down my throat.
It took a while for me to drain the hot chocolate. I stared down at my now empty mug and swirled it around. Sighing I stood and went to the kitchen to put my cup in the sink. I ran some water in it then returned to the living room.
My eyes were heavy and I felt extremely groggy. I hadn't slept in nearly twenty-four hours and I wasn't sure I could yet. In the nearly five hours I had spent yesterday crying with Katie I now realized I hadn't told her everything that happened. In fact, thinking back, I found I had been very vague about what was actually said. I had just told her the basics, cried and muttered my ponderings about what this all meant and where we were going.
I wasn't strong enough yet to talk about everything we said, but I wanted Katie to know. We both often found a reprieve in the written word so I grabbed my laptop and sat on the couch. Once I started I couldn't stop. It was as if it flowed freely from me, needing to escape, taking on a life of its own.
Katie returned to find me sitting on the couch, laptop at my feet, file open and ready to be read. She sat and placed my laptop in her lap and started reading. Waiting for her to finish I placed my head on the couch and closed my eyes, not failing to hear as she scrolled through the pages.
-----
I stood on the dock with Katie and Melissa. Looking out over the ocean I sighed and let the music that poured from the restaurant fill my ears. Melissa and Katie where talking about something but my head was in a completely different place as I let the words slowly and softly fall from my lips. I tried not to let the fact that this song was narrating my life bring tears to my eye.
"Tristan?" Melissa's voice cut through my daze.
"Ya?" I quickly turned back to them.
Melissa was staring at me. Puzzled, Katie's eyes were filled with a sad understanding. "Are you ok?" Melissa asked.
I sighed. How would I explain this? "I broke up with my boyfriend."
"I'm sorry." Melissa reached over and patted my hand. "What happened?"
I loved Melissa, and I knew that she just wanted to help but I had been praying that she didn't ask that question.
"We… both did some stupid and hurtful things. It didn't help that we used those things against each other in a stupid, pointless fight." I looked back out over the rolling waves.
"It sounds like you still want to be with him and that you didn't mean to hurt him. Have you tried to make up?"
Sweet girl, she always saw through me. "I'm still in love with him. But I can't take back my words, and I wouldn't want to. They may have been hurtful and stupid but they where the truth. We both need time to learn from this."
She sighed. "Just don't let something good escape because you're proud." She smiled softly.
Katie chimed in. "You can be a quite proud person. Don't let that blind you. Trust me."
I smiled at them, though I had to force the action a bit. "Thanks you guys. I'm hoping we can get past this, but now's really not the time."
As the days pasted it was hard to pull myself out of the slump I had fallen into. I was trying to move past this. Maybe it wasn't right after all; maybe it was the right thing to do by ending it. Still I felt myself falling into a downward spiral. On the outside I was cordial but not quite my normal self, because in side I was screaming.
0 comments:
Post a Comment